I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
