you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
