God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
