I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
