Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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