I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
