The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
