trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
