You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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