I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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