Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
