Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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