Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
