Just fell off a train. Bad.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do vagina's smell?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I am naked and annoyed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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