please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
