I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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