When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
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