If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
