A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
