I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
