You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my shit smells like andre
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
