Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
