i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
