My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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