Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
