Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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