i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He has the fingertips of a God
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