he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
