you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
