Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
