He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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