he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
