You don't have asthma, your pregnant
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
