So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
