no, he came in my armpit
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
