They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just threw up on my dentist
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
