I want to walk on stilts...naked
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
