I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
