my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
