somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
