im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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