i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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