She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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