I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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