please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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