I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
