ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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