when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
