My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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