i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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