I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
