she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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